Monday, June 06, 2011

Suggestion to Elected Officials - Keep It In Your Pants

Yet another elected official stood before a microphone tonight and tendered a tearful confession.  He admitted that he had indeed done what he'd previously denied.  He apologized to the world and of course, most of all, to his wife.

Mea culpa this, you guys.  Please answer my bi-partsan question.  Are you truly sorry for what you did, or just terribly, terribly sorry that you got caught?

When you campaign for office, you want us to trust you to lead, to govern, to honor the laws of our country.  You position yourselves as strong men of integrity, guardians of truth, justice and the American way.  You champion family values.  In recent years, you've opined on the sanctity of  marriage and weighed in on who can and who can't marry.

The true hypocrite is the one who ceases to perceive his deception, the one who lies with sincerity.  - Andre Glide, winner of 1947 Nobel Prize for literature.

Somewhere along the line we find out that you A) Fathered a child with a household employee and kept him a secret for over a decade; B) Had an affair, fathered a child, and convinced someone else to claim fatherhood for the goal of not upsetting your terminally ill wife; C) Diddled an intern in your Administration and lied repeatedly about it; C) Hired hookers; D) Sexted with a number of different women, took and sent nude photos of yourself, thus expanding the meaning of junk mail; or E) Did some other inappropriate thing that we just haven't heard of.  Yet.

Was the orgasm, the cheap thrill, the power trip, worth hurting your family, shredding your reputation, and grinding whatever small bit of integrity you possessed into the mud?  When you got your seat in the governor's mansion or the White House or the Congress, did your ego swell so much that there was no room left in your brain for even a scintilla of common sense or decency?

You're all adults.  Surely by this time you should have learned that the penis is good for peeing and sex. Under no circumstances should it be used for thinking or decision making of any kind!

Yes, I know you're only human and that's okay.  Just remember that being human doesn't give you a free pass to be a cheating, lying, asshat.  Apologizing and taking responsibility for your actions don't impress us as much if they only come after the story breaks on the evening news.

Elected officials, please, surprise us in a good way.  Don't do something you'll regret, have to apologize for, or watch go viral on YouTube.


Becky said...

Amen. Also, this: "thus expanding the meaning of junk mail". Bwahahahahaha!

Jen Wagner said...

OMG, I was drinking when I read, "sent nude photos of yourself, thus expanding the meaning of junk mail". ONE OF YOUR BEST LINES YET!!!!!!!! ROFLMAO

And while I laughed hysterically, I also agreed with everything you had to say.


Mary Stella said...

Why thank you, ladies. I do my best. :-)

Hope said...

Truer words were never spoken!