Thursday, July 29, 2010

Top Ways that Menopause is Like the Mob

If you're uncomfortable discussing "womanly" things, stop reading now and head over to YouTube.

Today, we're talking menopause. I'm in the stage medically known as perimenopause which roughly means that the "change" is coming sooner rather than later. (When I say that, I hear Johnny Cash singing Folsum Prison Blues and want to parody the lyrics. "I feel the change a-coming. I'm going round the bend . . ."

I'm not sure how accurate the estimated time frame is for perimenopause, because as near as I can tell, once you hit puberty, you're on the downward side of slope. We're born with a couple of million eggs that naturally die off so that at puberty we're down to about 400,000. After that, we lose about a thousand a month so, really, from the initial two mil, only about 400 ever mature.

However, I've started to have some indications that the time is nigh. I say, "Bring it on." The sooner it starts, the sooner it finishes. I can devote the money spent on tampons to something else. I live in the Florida Keys and the average hot flash can't possibly be more uncomfortable than the heat and humidity of July and August. I might not even notice if I'm outside when one hits.

My body teased me earlier in the year. After a couple of years of significant lessening in my monthly cycle, I skipped two months. I thought, "Okay. We're in full menopause mode." Turns out the cessation of period was more like a comma. I got it again the next month, skipped another month, now it's arrived again -- sort of like bugs in the house. You can exterminate them for awhile, but they always return.

I've been reading up on the whole process. I don't remember my mother's change process being all that big a deal. I recall one hot flash in my presence. Either I was completely oblivious to her journey or she was monumentally discreet about the whole deal. That would have been Mom's way -- go off and experience the misery in private so that she didn't inconvenience anybody.

No matter how bad or how easy a time I have, I'm determined to go through it with a sense of humor. That doesn't mean the whole thing will be a laugh riot, but I'm sure I can find something humorous in even the dark times.

With that in mind, I'm compiling a list of the Top Ways that Menopause is Like the Mob. The first item on the list was obviously inspired by that too-brief respite. I've come up with five and am now throwing open the blog to your suggestions. Leave a comparison in the comments. When this has run its course (pun fully intended), I'll randomly pick a winner from the commenters and send a signed copy of either of my books.

Here's the list so far:
1) Just when you think you’ve quit, it pulls you back in
2) The only thing worse in bed than night sweats is a severed horse’s head
3) Older generations of Sicilians don’t like to talk openly about the Cosa Nostra. (This thing of ours.) Older generations of women don’t like to speak openly of Questo Nostro Cambiamento. (This Change of ours.)
4) In the mob, things get ugly in a snap. Women with severe hormonal fluctuations – likewise.
5)Mobsters and menopause -- both known for "packing heat".

Have at it, readers. Have fun!


Hope said...

Menopause isn't much of an offer, but you can't refuse it.

lora96 said...

Same premise really, leave the gun and take the cannoli.

I loved your title today. The Wisdom of Menopause by Christine Northrup is amazing if you're looking to read about your lady bits.

Skye said...

I started perimenopause at about 42 with hot flashes. After 2 years of that, they went away. Then it just got weird. And sometimes normal. Like the mob? Hmm.

Sometimes it sneaks up on you and sometimes it comes in all guns blasting, but you never know what to expect.

Kelly said...

Never cross a gangster or a menopausal woman?

Have you seen Menopause the Musical? It's supposed to be hilarious.

Becky said...

Several years ago my parents came down to visit for a long weekend. On the first morning we had just snagged a table at a popular breakfast spot when Mom very casually says, "Oh, I forgot my pills in the car."

Well you know how a cartoon character rises up in the air and then ZOOM! takes off in a cloud of dust? That was my dad. I turned to Mom, who was sitting there with a very smug look on her face. She leaned toward me and said, "I have two words for you. Hormone. Replacement." I nearly died laughing.

And after looking up Godfather quotes I think I've found a really good one, slightly adjusted:

In Sicily, menopausal women are more dangerous than shotguns.

Mary Stella said...

These are great! Keep 'em coming!

Pitor said...

A male's contribution on how "Menopause Is Like The Mob". Using a quote from the movie Goodfellas.

Henry Hill: Just... ya know... you're funny.

Tommy DeVito: You mean, let me understand this cause, ya know maybe it's me, I'm a little f*cked up maybe, but I'm funny how, I mean funny like I'm a clown, I amuse you? I make you laugh, I'm here to f*ckin' amuse you? What do you mean funny, funny how? How am I funny?

Henry Hill: Just... you know, how you tell the story, what?

Tommy DeVito: No, no, I don't know, you said it. How do I know? You said I'm funny. How the f*ck am I funny, what the f*ck is so funny about me? Tell me, tell me what's funny!

Mary Stella said...

*reading Pitor's comment*

Paula, smack him one upside the back of his head for me, okay?

Just kidding. :-)

Paula said...

Mary I would, but it would only encourage him more.

As for how I think menopause is like the mob. It's like getting your knee caps broken, but higher