American Idol - The Final

Weeks of performances, vote-offs, judge debates over song choices, booing of Simon Cowell for the least non-positive comment, and inane analogies and ramblings by Paula came down to tonight. Adam Lambert and Kris Allen performing three songs for their last chance to be named American Idol. For me, it was sort of a let down, like popping the cork on expensive champagne only to have the bubbly be flat.

The best performances happen in the first few minutes. So, I'm left without a clear feeling on which contestant "won" the night. Not that it matters, since the title will go to the man with the biggest legion of fans that have unlimited texting accounts.

Some things that stood out for me. Did you catch Randy criticizing the song choice of What's Going On for Kris's second number? Kara tried to save him by subtly reminding everyone that the boss of American Idol, Simon Fuller, chose the song. Way to go, Randy. Dis the boss.

Not even that really compares to Simon's obvious dislike of the so-called "Winner's Song" that Kara co-wrote. Unfortunately both Adam and Kris had to sing it. I'm sure Adam meant to project true emotion in his facial expression, but instead he resembled a guy trying to evacuate a watermelon through his butt. Perhaps it dawned on him that if he wins, he'll actually have to record that as a single.

I felt really bad for Kris. When none of the judges want to judge you on that specific performance and hope that all of America votes based on your season, you just know that you last impression sucked like a late-on-rent hooker.

Paula puts the hyper in hyperbole. She declared Adam "iconic". Next to "catatonic", that's her favorite "ic" word. Ten years from now when he's impersonating Cher at the Legends show in Vegas, and trying out for the umpteenth revival of Joseph and the Technicolor Dream Coat, I hope she remembers those words.

Paula, you have never looked so bad. Did you fall asleep in the tanning bed, sweetie. Maybe you passed out in front of someone you pissed off and they took revenge by slathering on a self-tanning lotion. Your face was so bronze and your makeup so wrong that it looked like your cheek bones caved in. Sort of like an overbaked cake left out in the rain.

Sometime before tomorrow's results show, I have to figure out how I'm voting in the American Idol pool. Tonight, it isn't about which performer I think will win, or which I think America vote for. It's all about looking at the rankings of my opposition in the pool and figuring out how the points will stack up depending on how THEY voted.